Each Crime and Every Kindness.

“Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” - David Mitchell, The Cloud Atlas

What a work of art the movie Cloud Atlas is. I watched it recently with my husband, in our annual lead-up-to-the-Oscars film cram. Since I am usually content to read a good book and fall off to sleep after the kids have gone to bed, staying up and engaged in this almost three hour film was a surprise. 

The movie is directed by the same sibling duo that directed The Matrix, in conjunction with the director who is credited with the movie Run Lola Run. There are many echoes of the Matrix (not so much Run Lola Run) in parts of this one. 

Though it hasn't received much acclaim or recognition in American film circles or on recent award shows, I am waiting to see how it does in international markets. A multi-layered and apparently, according to recent reviews, polarizing film; it sweeps through many story lines in different time periods. For that reason it does take focus and attention to begin connecting the dots that bring this movie to its conclusion. But at the end you are left with a feeling that your mind has expanded a bit closer to its edges!

A movie that stays with you days after you see it, both for its visual aspects as well as the idea on which the stories turn (see above quote), it will leave you contemplating your place in this world and wondering about the age old idea that each person in our life is there for a reason. Have you seen the movie? What was your reaction?

Scriblet & The Bard.

I am swooning. Why? Because I just discovered something exciting: PBS has debuted a new series called Shakespeare Uncovered. The New York Times reviews it here.

Different actors will be digging deep into the famous stories and how they took shape, what they mean, and more. Among the actors are Jeremy Irons, Ethan Hawke and Joely Richardson.

I won't go into why I am a fan of Shakespeare but this RadioLab feature, "Words That Changed the World" will explain (go to 21:55, where James Shapiro is interviewed). Enjoy!

Playing in the Sunlight.

I have always followed the sun. Those close to me are aware that my love for sunlight is such that I've been known to creep like a sleepy house cat stalking its prey, as it shifts position throughout the day. Then once it's found, I finally settle down in a box of golden sunshine on the floor for a long nap.

I know the path of sunlight in our home because I have spent so much time here in its quiet quaintness, just getting about the duties of my day. I know at 10am the sun shifts into our sunroom off the kitchen, and that's where I will do my writing, in fingerless gloves, with the space heater on. I can somehow withstand the chill because the sunlight nourishes me.

Later in the afternoon the best place to catch the sun is in our youngest daughter's bedroom. That's where these photos were taken, on one of the coldest days in DC this winter. What can be wrong with the cold when you have a super chunky pink scarf, enough heat, and a beautiful day of sunshine outside?

Advice to my 40 year old self From Myself at 80.

Realize the difference between who people are and who you want them to be and act accordingly. Forgive. 

Take care of your body. You need you and the people who care about you do, too. No use not honoring it each day in all its miraculous glory. Run when you still can, dance while you still can, marvel at the beauty of nature. 

Believe in yourself. 

Don't give up. Tenacity turns tides.

Have more fun. Yes, the world can be a cruel and sad place, but life is also we get to do, not that we have to do. That’s a critical but subtle way of looking at things that can change your orientation to everything.

Know who to let in and to keep out. Let others gain your trust first with their actions, not their words.

Open up. The walls that protect you also isolate you.

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bravery haiku:

If I think I can

I’ll be slogging through the waves;

time turns the tough tides.

Snow in the City.

Here is a slice of my morning yesterday, taking on the day amidst fluffy falling snowflakes. They looked like they were swirling around in slow motion as if to ask all of us -- busy and focused -- to notice them and to slow down. There is more snow arriving today. I sense a cozy weekend ahead. 

You Know This Already, But This is a Reminder.

There is a lighter, spritely spirit inside you. There is a mischievous rock ‘n’ roller inside you. You know this already but this is a reminder. There is a person inside you, whose voice you have stifled, who wants to skip and sing and holler and whoop it up. She dreams of you being as unencumbered as she is, of you casting off the burdens of your regrets, your shames, your insecurities, your punishment, your heartbreak, your ego -- and being empowered to ride the crests of the waves of adventure she draws to herself as surely as the moon plays the wave like a marionette. She is a free spirit, the one who embodied you from the moment you came kicking and screaming, both literally and figuratively BLUE -- into this world.

Yes, you came into this world blue. You struggled but made it. You at first were stubborn: resolute with your breath and needed to be held from the ankles upside down and smacked by a doctor to wake you up into this world -- as if you needed a jolt to be freed from your own stubbornness and shock at suddenly being in a cold, noisy, unpredictable place.

Your spirit was recognizable from the get-go. Your sense of humor, your twinkling eyes and the way they could, on the turn of a moment, become brooding or calculated and observant -- taking in all the details of the world around you. You were a seeker: inquisitive, quiet, but by equal terms boisterous when the quiet became too confining to sustain.

You were creative and questioning and didn’t worry about finding an answer that would make sense to anyone but yourself. You were quite happy to spend time alone but that never stopped you from chasing your sister and watching the light that seemed to spin off her like sparks, in awe and struggling to keep up. You naturally observed people, and gleaned strengths from them as you decided who you wanted to become.

You deserve to be here, now, just as you are. You don’t have to chase anyone to prove you’ve got the momentum and pacing of this life down pat.

Further, you do not have to match the beauty of what you see around you. The gorgeous day outside welcomes you and beckons you to join it no matter if your mood nor your looks nor your strengths on that particular day match up to it. You do not have to have on a pretty outfit and makeup on -- because life is not a first date. You are worthy just by being.

In fact, you are a part of all the beauty you see around you. The gorgeousness of this world is a party -- one which you will have to crash at some point soon, because the sooner you realize you are the only one who can send the invitation, the better off you will be. You will bang that door down and be the life of that party. And much to your misinformed surprise, people will turn as you walk in, and greet you. They’ll wonder why you’re late.

Stop not being bold enough to look life squarely in the eyes and claim your space in it. You deserve to be here. Nobody belongs here more than you. That person within you that scared you with her boldness and power and that you subdued long ago? She is coming back to howl into your ear and demand to be freed. Your ambitions and talents can’t remain under your radar anymore because they are ripe and they are bleeding through your veils and scrims and curtains and screens. They are coming whether they were invited or not and their presence is strong and entitled and honest.

That person you are always so hard on is seasoned and resilient. All these years of difficulty and experience and joy have not been wasted on her - they have been filed into that folder called the deep well of experience. That person you always want to be but think you are too weak or meek or inexperienced or fragile to be is already here -- your understudy -- waiting for the non-believing you to step aside so she can take her rightful place on the stage of now.

She has waited a long time and has been patient -- she has made it through a lot and becomes more authentic and less separated from you by the minute. Together you can do no wrong and have done no wrong.

She has always been there, off stage, feeding you your lines. She has the moves down and the inflections are pitch-perfect. She is a star. And when you are too worn down by all the excuses and insecurities and doubts playing on that looping soundtrack in your head, she will pull you aside and take over and she will dance -- while you are the spotlight that casts the light on her.  

Open for (the) Business (of Sharing).

I am going to make this blog public. I have been mulling this over a lot in the past few days but a couple of articles I read last night really led me to this conclusion.

The Ethical Implications of the Parental Overshare
The Atlantic, author: Phoebe Maltz Bovy

Why I Write About My Daughter on the Internet
Huffington Post, author Lyz Lenz
 "Where is the line when someone elses' story ceases to be yours and becomes theirs?  If it happened to you it's your story. You need to tell your story and let others have the job of telling theirs." 

These articles have been bumping about in my mind today. Very interesting points brought up in both. It certainly gives voice to the nagging concerns I've had over the years about the privacy of those close to me, who may come up in my writing. And it gives me pause. 

I'm glad people are debating these things, pausing to think about them in our world, which seems to be moving so fast no one stops to think much about how it's brimming with narcissistic "me-ism" and TMI moments. We're all getting caught up in it in spite of our best intentions. It seems to be human nature.

To the above questions from Ms. Lenz's article (the second one linked above) I would add: "when do the minutiae of one's daily life or their musings cease to be interesting and perhaps even become cloying?" One can always switch the channel, as they say, but I'd like to think my work would be less about navel-gazing and more about pushing forth ideas in order to -- again -- get others thinking. For me, that's the best of what writing can do. It can get us to think about things we otherwise may not have. 

All this being said, everyone likes a little fluff now and again so there will likely be content on here occasionally that is not thought provoking nor trying to be. You have been warned! I am an avid fluff lover. All work and no play ... we all remember that scene from The Shining, right?

This is what I know:

• I am fiercely private but there’s no getting around the fact that I write to express my thoughts and I often feel I have something to “share.”

• Of all the blogs I've started, the one I got the most out of personally was the one I made public. I think I felt more compelled to write knowing I wasn’t ‘screaming out into an abyss.' It was satisfying to open myself up to others and I realized I was touching peoples’ lives, even if it was only for a few minutes a day.

• I need to write. Builders build houses with wood, concrete, brick. Cooks make things with vegetables and other ingredients. Painters use acrylic and canvas. And I make "things" with words. With context and syntax and nuance and metaphor and little black characters on white pages or screens. I will continue it regardless of whether I am sharing or not, so why not share? Am I a writer if I don't share, or am I merely a diarist? I would rather be the first of those two, though personal diaries certainly have their place. I trust myself to gauge where the line is between the revealing and the truly intimate, and to mind the gap between the two.

• The chances of becoming a published writer are near zilch if I don't share my work. I've always said this, yet found a reason to still hide behind a wall. I am a "late adopter" of the openness required to express myself widely, as successful writers do.

• I will not be everyone’s cup of tea. This, I need to keep reminding myself, is JUST FINE and a measure of taking risks and having an opinion. Some readers may not like me for reasons I can't understand. But is it really my job to understand? Perhaps, sometimes. But for the most part, a thick skin is required so I am toughening mine up.

• I will not overshare - because my life is entwined with lots of people I love dearly and they deserve privacy, even as I take a step outward with writing about my life. So I will be referring to people for the time being, anyway, in less than specific terms and not by name. There will be photos but this won't be an exposing forum for my kids, especially.

• I have the support and love of a lot of people who are fierce about encouraging me to take leaps when I feel I need to. Here is a quote shared among myself and some of my close friends today:

You've got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing

wherever I am when you feel sick at heart and weary of life, or when you stumble and fall and don’t know if you can get up again, think of me. I will be watching and smiling and cheering you on

I have a close friend who also struggles with making her dreams real by making them more public. For an artist, the work is intensely personal and the self consciousness that informs this tentative stance is exactly what makes artists artists. However, the exposure raises the stakes because it makes you more accountable, and we all know it seems like a steeper fall when others are watching. I hope my doing this and reaching out toward a larger audience will encourage her to do so as well.

Want to join me? I am rolling out my Welcome mat.